Reflections from my Saturn Return

For the first 3ish years of my HD experiment, I could consistently and confidently assert that HD was making my life “better”

Then around the 3-year mark, my Saturn return began to make its impendending presence known,and f🌪️cked me up 😅🪐

Saturn is the judge. It is where you will pay the consequences of any incorrectness in your actions. I’ve heard Saturn referred to as the stern father who barges in and demands “CLEAN YOUR ROOM” and you might protest “BUT I DON’T WANT TO!” and then he will retort “ITS NOT OPTIONAL. DO IT” and then you do it and you realize, “oh. This is a lot better”.

It has been kind of like that. I was a wild unruly child who did not want to clean her room.. and now Saturn is making me and I’m doing it. sometimes it’s not “fun” in the moment, sometimes it requires massive discipline and is very uncomfortable- but ultimately my life is becoming more peaceful and enjoyable as a result.

One theme I see in Manifestor deconditioning, is that many of us have a reactionary pattern of rebellion, even rebelling against our own best interest. Driven by a lifetime of accumulated anger- resentful of all the times we’ve been forced to follow rules that conflict with our principles, submit to external control and violate the integrity of our true nature- our trauma response is to fight against anything that our mind (ie our conditioning) perceives as a threat to our freedom.

So, I was doing that 🤷🏻‍♀️. And finally I woke up and it became clear to me: I wasn’t just fighting for my integrity and authenticity, I was fighting against reality and it was exhausting. I was fighting for what my personality wished were true, at the expense of what was ✨actually✨ mechanically true. I was misusing my creativity by creating unnecessary chaos and struggle.

It was a loss of innocence: setting down my sword, releasing my mind’s stubborn idealism about the way things should be and relaxing into an acceptance of the way things are. I have been through a grieving process, in letting go of my fantasies and learning to surrender to and embrace reality.

The less I cling to what my mind thinks freedom is, the more I get to experience what freedom actually is. And it’s PROFOUND. It’s brilliant. It’s so much more expansive than the conditioned fantasy of freedom I had been trying to force. Words cannot do it justice, and if anybody tried to explain it to me before I was ready I would not have heard them. It’s something I had to experience to know.

So here I am now, approximately 4.25 years into my HD experiment, and I can say with more mature awareness and a deeper, more secure confidence this time: This experiment is effective. It is clear that I am becoming a more peaceful and aligned Manifestor. I love my impact. I trust this process.

Though right now I’m in a chapter of relative ease + expansion, I’m well aware of the probability that at some point, life will shake me again and challenge my trust + faith. All I can do is continue strengthening the muscle of trust, learning to feel truth in my body, and practicing surrender as an active process.

I recognize that I am a unique case study with an extreme personality 🤪 so, in some ways my journey might look different from yours. But I invite you to get honest and ask yourself: where are you still fighting against reality and truth? How is that working for you?