Not-Self themes, and personal responsibility

Hard pill to swallow: your not-self theme in Human Design (frustration for Generators, bitterness for Projectors, anger for Manifestors and disappointment for Reflectors) is not an indication that somebody or something outside of you is “wrong” .. it is a signpost that you are not operating correctly as yourself.

Your not-self theme does not mean that somebody else needs to change- it means that you need to either set a boundary, communicate better, or internally work to heal whatever their behavior is triggering/activating in you.

When I am angry, my mind thinks that what I want is for others to hop on board with my story and validate that I’m “right” and whatever or whoever I think is making me angry is “wrong”. This is perhaps the easiest way that I can experience temporary relief. I am grateful to have friends and coaches who don’t take the bait.

It can be so difficult to refrain from fueling somebody’s victimhood story. If you come to me upset and seeking support, it takes conscious effort to not give in to the urge to help you feel “better” by validating your narrative. “You’re right, your workplace is toxic, they’re wrong, let’s talk about how wrong they are” or “you’re right, he’s an asshole, you deserve better, let’s ruminate in how wrong he is” … the thing is, this doesn’t actually help you to get free.

It takes discipline to instead, acknowledge and tend to the emotion itself minus the story, while (if you’re ready) holding you through the real work- you stepping out of victimhood and into self-responsibility. It is a lot of sensation.

I can’t express how helpful it is to have friends and coaches I trust to do this for me. Who are able to give me the reflections that my sensitive open ego may have a hard time with, but ultimately it’s what I need to hear. And, it is my own responsibility to let down my armor and soften my resistance so that those I’ve invited can get in there and work with me. Sometimes the “try to penetrate through my resistance” game can be fun … but more often, it makes the process more tiring than it needs to be.

This is high-level work. It’s not for everyone .. but if you seek to truly get free, there’s no other way.