How can we reduce unnecessary hurt and misunderstanding in the relationship between the defined and the undefined emotional center?

It still feels surprising to me sometimes when I’m telling a client about their undefined emotional center and explaining how their default emotional setting is calm and quiet with no waves, and they agree that this is true.

As an emotionally defined being, I have an emotional motor that is always on, always producing waves and sending those out into my environment. Sometimes the wave is high, sometimes it’s low, sometimes it’s more neutral- but it’s always there, even when nothing externally is making me emotional. Before Human Design, I assumed that the emotional wave was everybody’s reality and believed that people who didn’t realize this were emotionally repressed.

With an undefined/open emotional center, your body does not simply produce waves for no reason. You have no consistent internal emotional chemistry; you experience emotions when something external is making you emotional. You are like a sponge, absorbing all of the emotions in your environment. You are highly sensitive, receptive and empathic in this way.

Of all the people I’ve had a significant romantic connection with, only one of them has had an undefined emotional center. This was almost a decade ago.

This morning, a memory came to me where he was trying to tell me that on a fundamental level he wasn’t as emotional as me, and I didn’t believe him. I thought that he must be, he was just avoidant.

He was very avoidant, that was true. And also, he did not have the same consistent internal experience of emotionality, that was also true.

When I reflect on all the people I’ve had close relationships with throughout my life, the vast majority of them have been emotionally defined. This is statistically notable, because the population is actually about half and half.

I attribute this to several causes. First, my emotional wave has gotten a lot cleaner and healthier and I’ve learned to navigate it with far greater maturity and personal responsibility, but it can still be intense and chaotic at times. I can see where non-emotionals have kept me at a distance because with their extreme emotional sensitivity and receptivity, they did not want to be subjected to the messiness of my wave.

Also, without understanding these mechanics, I had minimal acceptance for the pattern of emotional avoidance. When people were unavailable to emote with me, I shamed them for being avoidant. I would pull harder and then they would react by pulling away even more, and this created a hurtful cycle.

Sometimes it was true that my desire to process something together was in service to both of us and our connection, and other times the truth was that they were setting healthy boundaries because my emotional process actually was not theirs, and it would not have been correct for them to get on my ride with me.

Learning about Human Design has been so beneficial to my ability to relate harmoniously with the other 50% of the planet.

Just as I know I cannot consistently keep up with the energetic output of a Generator, nor is it healthy for me to compete with defined egos- it’s not healthy for the undefined emotional center to always meet me in my emotionality.

There also isn’t that same felt sensation of two emotional motors communing. Understanding this has helped me to see that this doesn’t mean the relationship lacks depth or meaning, it just means that the way we process and relate to emotions is extremely different and that difference needs to be respected.

I’ve learned that in my relationships with non-emotionals…

Sometimes I will need to go through my emotional process without involving them, and then let them know when I have reached clarity.

Sometimes I may have to meet them where they’re at and accept the relationship for what it is, instead of trying to make them less avoidant.

Sometimes they will have to accept me as I am, instead of trying to control my emotionality and my journey in learning how to hold myself through my wave with grace and maturity.

Sometimes it may be really hard for them speak up about something that’s bothering them in our connection, and I might have to put in more effort to take responsibility for paying attention to my own impact and initiating communication when necessary.

Sometimes my emotionality will be too much for them, and they will need to either take space or end the relationship.

Sometimes their avoidance and/or emotional unavailability will be too much for me, and I will need to either take space or end the relationship.

We’re all human and we all have feelings. We’re all learning, growing, and trying our best 💜. Perhaps the emotional struggles in your relationships don’t mean what you’ve been making them mean. I hope that this explanation helped you access a bit more compassion and acceptance.

I’m curious- is your emotional center defined or undefined? What have you noticed about this dynamic in your relationships?